Too many thoughts in my brain right now. I'm confused and easily provoked to crying. I mean its been going on about 2 years now. I'm so tired. I keep thinking what do I need to learn to get out of this. I am literally drained to the last drop. My testimony is shaken and I wonder. I broke today and completely lost it and left the house not a care as to who will take care of the kids I just left. Where did I go? To the temple. I'll tell ya I was pissed still and crying and whining. I'm at the end of my rope. The thought kept coming to me. Lose yourself in service...lose yourself in service...lose yourself in service and you'll forget about your financial struggles also give of what you have. But I feel like I don't have anything to give. Then thought came to me...food. What! I am alreading fighting to get food on the table for my own kids and to give it away. Okay! And as for service I'm not sure about this one. I struggle with it because of my family, my siblings have been served and I just watch how they suck the life out of people and I don't have life to give to those who suck it. Yea I am pretty bitter. But every tells me I am serving my family. I have young children...and there is a time and a season...my season isn't now because it all goes to my kids. But the thought keeps coming up. We will see what comes of it and I'll keep you updated.
So I come home and I find this cute note on my kitchen counter. My sweet visiting teaching companion was so worried about me. We went visiting teaching right in my moment of me loosing it. I couldn't help it, I cried. Of course they wanted to know but I hate telling people when I'm in the moment. I just need space. They could tell and gave it me.
****a little update from that night. I feel BETTER. Ha!! But while I was at the temple the kids were pretty worried about me. Greg had to leave and while he was gone that was when my visiting teaching companion came over she said they were all cleaning the house to make sure that mom would be happy when she gets home. SO SWEET!!!
I can't complain my companion Marilyn had 10 children had just gotten divorced was now taking care of all of her children in a 1 bedroom home living on food storage for 2 years. I couldn't imagine. WOW!
So sorry you are struggling Jess. My heart is hurting for you and I understand your pain and the need to just lose it for a while. Hope things get better soon. I'll pray for you.
ReplyDeleteThanks for being so open with your post. It touched me deeply, too. Mostly for feeling for what you're going through, but also by the fact that you went to the temple to find your help. Keep seeking--He'll be there with the answers you need. I've been praying for you, too. I was also touched by your companion--what an example to us all. =) Sometimes the biggest service is just letting someone know you care. Hang in there! Glad you are feeling better.
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